I’ve Been Negotiating All My Life. Consciously for Three Years.

I Was Negotiating Before I Even Knew It

If someone had asked me a few years ago whether I negotiated, I would probably have said that I didn’t, not really. For a long time, I associated negotiation with large tables, important meetings, business deals, diplomacy, or crisis situations. With something governed by clear rules, supported by well-prepared arguments, and ideally ending in a concrete outcome.

Yet the more time I spend exploring negotiations, the more I realize that I had been negotiating long before I had the language for it. At nursery school, I claimed a chair during a fairy-tale game, declared myself queen, and told a curly-haired blond boy we didn't need a king because I would rule on my own. I negotiated with my teacher about not having to sleep, only to lie down and think. At primary school, I persuaded the others that our classroom needed a noticeboard and that I should oversee its content. At secondary school, I persuaded 31 people that choosing psychology was in their best interests, even though I had originally been the only one who wanted it. And in my first job, I convinced the company that its only internet-connected computer had to sit on my desk.

Looking back at these seemingly ordinary situations, I can now see that negotiation does not begin only when someone is sitting across from us. It often begins much earlier – within us. When we set our priorities, summon the courage to say something, have an uncomfortable conversation, or convince ourselves that “it isn’t really that important.”

When Intuition Was Given a Name

What I had previously seen simply as discussing things, thinking them through, or finding the courage began to take on a clearer shape at NegotiCON in March 2023. That doesn't mean I truly began to understand negotiation then. Rather, it was the first time I saw just how much could form part of the negotiation process. Things I had previously done intuitively suddenly had names, a framework, and context. But it took another six months for this new perspective to settle within me enough for me to attend my first Mastery Club training session.

It often begins much earlier – within us.

Preparation That Wasn’t Called Preparation

This new perspective also changed my relationship with preparation. For a long time, I thought I had never prepared for situations like these. Only in retrospect can I see that I was preparing; I simply didn't call it that. I did not use a canvas or any techniques, yet in my head I planned almost everything I could: I analyzed situations using the information available, considered possible reactions, looked for weaknesses in arguments, and imagined the desired outcome. And because I have kept a journal since childhood, I gave my thoughts structure and gradually resolved inconsistencies. It was not conscious or methodical preparation. It was intuitive, personal, and hidden among thinking, writing, and imagining how things might turn out.

From Intuition to Conscious Awareness

That is also why I still do not describe myself as a negotiator. Not because I do not negotiate, but because I am only just learning to understand what I am doing when I negotiate. For the past three years, I have noticed that I have always done it, just under different names: discussing, explaining, giving way, persuading, deciding, or finding the courage.

Everything that came later built on this gradual realization. My first Mastery Club and the regular training sessions did not give me the ability to negotiate. They gave me the ability to notice – myself, other people, words, silence, emotions, needs, and boundaries.

The training, then, is not teaching me to negotiate from scratch. It is teaching me to recognize what is already happening and to engage with it more consciously. Not to negotiate purely on instinct, but with greater awareness. Not so that I always win, but so that I better understand what is at stake.

Where Real Negotiation Begins

Perhaps we become negotiators not only when we sit across the table from someone. Perhaps we are negotiators long before that – when we decide what matters to us, when to give way, when to stand our ground, and when to admit that sometimes the greatest resistance is not outside us, but within.

I began to realize this three years ago. Since then, I have been negotiating more consciously. Not always better, not always more calmly, and not always with a perfect outcome. But with greater awareness of myself, of others, and of what is truly happening between us. And perhaps, for me, this is where real negotiation begins.